It's Just Research
by blackbirds.reign
Summary: 'It's not love- it's just research.' What happens when you take a slightly drunk sex deprived Hermione, and two devious twins who need a woman to join them more than anything else? Then add the 'Naughty Witches' collection of sex toys that the Weasley Twins need to test out. Join Hermione and the twins on their comedic journey to love and the big O. Fred-Hermione-George. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1

**It's Just Research**

 **A/N: Kinky, taboo, whatever you want to call it, but I think it has an interesting story line.** **BY THE WAY FRED IS ALIVE** **, you know in case you didn't pick up on that. Anyways, you tell me if it's good or not. Also** **this is meant for mature eyes only if you shouldn't be reading this, then DON'T.** **Have a nice read, and hopefully this will be the longest A/N.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co.; all rights to J.K. Rowling.**

"So, 'Mione, have you been on any dates recently?"

"Ginny, I really don't think—" Harry said immediately not wanting to make Hermione feel uncomfortable. He wasn't planning for them to interrogate Hermione when He asked his friends if they wanted to meet up at the Leaky Cauldron for dinner and to catch up. Unfortunately, that seemed to be how it was turning out.

"Harry, it's fine," Hermione quickly cuts in quickly, "Well, Gin, after that disaster with the last guy you set me up with I really haven't felt up to it. But, uh, my co-worker, Finn, you know Finn, he asked for my Floo address the other day."

"Finn Goldspen?" Ginny clarified.

"Yes, Finn."

"Oh Merlin's beard! 'Mione, He's gay."

"I—well. I didn't know that," Hermione said blushing red, "I mean all he said was he wanted to discuss the new… wait I can't tell you that," not being able to tell her friends about her work was some of the draw backs about being an Unspeakable, "He said he wanted to talk about work. But, I mean he did ask for my floo!"

"Dear, you really need to get out more," Ron's girlfriend, Lavender, said in a motherly tone, "I know this great club, it caters to all sexu—"

"Lavender, I am fine. Really! Actually, I am more that fine, I'm great. Just peachy, now, if you'll excuse me I am going to go use the loo," Hermione said quickly before fleeing the table, unfortunately she still managed to here Ginny's next comment.

"Look, I'm sorry for being brash, but she really needs someone, I mean haven't you noticed how much she's let herself go? I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just as worried…." By then Hermione was too far away to hear anything else.

Hermione sighed as she stared herself in the mirror. Had she really let herself go that much? 'I mean sure,' she admitted to herself, 'I've gained weight. Sure, that's unattractive. And yes, I haven't been sleeping well. So, maybe I look a bit sleep deprived. But let myself go?' she was always the most put together of all her friends. She was the most organized and the most collected. How could she, the supposed smartest of her year at Hogwarts, 'let herself go?'

With a small sigh she realized she had been in the loo too long so she quickly splashed some water on her face before exiting to join her friends once again.

"'Mione!" Ron greeted happily, "Foods 'ere!" She gave him a tiny smile as she sat down trying to ignore the tiny voice in her head screaming 'Mine!' as she stared at her ex-boyfriend.

Quickly she turned her attention to her dinner that consisted of a Mature Cheddar and Chutney sandwich and some chips.

"'Mione?" Hermione felt herself self-consciously bite her lip as she turned to Harry's wife.

"Yes, Ginny?"

"I'm sorry for my harsh words, what I said earlier was completely out of line."

"Yeah, sorry about that, Hermione," Lavender added.

"Okay," Hermione didn't accept the apology and regretted it as soon as she saw the wounded look on Ginny's face, "I mean it's okay. It's okay, Ginny. And Lavender."

"Ahem," Lavender let out a soft cough before steering the conversation back to safe territory, "So, Harry, how are the defense classes this year at ol' Hogwarts?" Lavender questioned as she dug into her Banger's and Mash.

Harry had strongly considered working as an Auror for a long time after the war, but in the end decided that the war had given him his fill of fighting against the Dark forces of the world. Instead he went to Headmistress McGonagall and asked for a job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. She happily accepted and he's been working there ever since.

"Great, the kids are wonderful this year, they had a tough time in the beginning respecting me, especially the older kids, that Michael in Gryffendor, He's a seventh year this year and him and friends were treating me as if we were all best mates at the beginning of the year. But after a couple detentions with me they all seem to get the message."

Ron let out a loud snort, "I'd send 'em all to Filch, then they'd _really_ get the message."

"And that's why you're not a teacher, Ronald," Hermione commented, "You actually have to take responsibility for the kids you give detention. Harry, do you think you'll be head of house in a few years?"

After that Hermione didn't talk much, Harry and Ron were busy discussing Slytherin's newest seeker, a first year prodigy, and the pros and cons of having someone that young on the team. Then there was Ginny and Lavender (Or Lav-Lav as Ron referred to her) they were… nice. But Hermione had never had a lot of friends that were girls and never cared to. They made her feel… small. Like an insect under a microscope, not worthy for friendship. That's why she preferred socializing with guys; there were no secret claws that you just waited to come out. No cat fights, no back stabbing, no spreading rumors about one another behind each other's back. It was simpler. Ginny and 'Lav-Lav' were just the type of girls she despised. So to say conversation was strained between them would be an understatement.

Finally, they finished their meals and called for a check. Hermione had given her old friend the dinner he asked for. Friendly, no fights, and boring as hell. Now, she was free to go with no more obligations. They had all pitched in for the food and turned to go their separate ways when Harry cornered Hermione by the door of the Leaky Cauldron.

"Hey, I wanna thank you for coming out to dinner, I know you're busy with your job and stuff."

"Well, you're welcome. I had a lot of fun," Hermione lied shooting Harry a fake smile that he didn't catch.

"So, what are you doing next? Any special plans?"

"I don't know… I think I'm going to just walk around Diagon Alley for a bit before flooing home, you?" Hermione always preferred flooing over apparitating.

"Gin, wants to get home, but… uh… Mione can I ask you something? It's a little weird but I would like a girl's opinion."

"Well, Harry, I can't give you a girl's opinion, you know I'm not good at that sort of stuff. If you _really_ want a girls point of view ask Lav-Lav…ender. However, if you want a _friend's_ opinion? I can do that."

"Well… Gin, wants to start trying… to have… you know, a baby. And I don't know, is it too soon? I mean we haven't even had our first anniversary yet! But it seems so right and I just… don't know. I mean I've never really had a fatherly figure, how am I ever going to manage being a dad?"

'Mione smiled at her friend's nervousness, he had no reason to be nervous, "You guys are ready, Harry, your relationship has been through thick and through thin. You guys are going to make it and you can make it with a baby, now if we're talking about them," Hermione pointed over her shoulder to where Lavender and Ron were snogging, "they are definitely not ready. But you and Ginny can make it through anything. Now, your trepidation over being a father? Harry, you will be a wonderful dad! You are one of the most caring people I know, any child you have will be lucky to have you as their dad."

Harry beamed giving his friend another hug, "Thanks 'Mione, even though I don't know if that's all true, when have you ever been wrong?" He chuckled as he pulled away, "Oh and by the way, I hope you're ready to be a God Mother." With a cheeky grin he walked over to Ginny who had just exited the loo. Harry stood holding out his arm like a perfect gentleman, Ginny giggled and pecked him on the cheek before place her arm on his. With a smile and a wave the couple apparited away.

With a sigh Hermione called out a goodbye to Ron and 'Lav-Lav the relationship destroyer' before heading into the winding streets of Diagon Alley. The sun was setting and people were rushing around finishing their shopping or strolling hand in hand with their significant other. Not paying attention a group of teenagers ran straight into her.

"Oh, Merlin, I'm so sorry!" stuttered the young girl who had run into her.

"It's fine!" Hermione said as she gazed behind the girl to see her friends, another girl and a boy, stifling their laughs. 'Mione smiled thinking of the past when she and her own trio used to run along on their own adventures before nodding at the three teenagers and walking away. She had to stifle her longing for the days where she was always with Ron and Harry, the days where no girlfriend, or wife, stood in the way of their friendship.

As she walked she spotted the twin's joke shop/flat up ahead and decided to stop in for a visit, it had been a while since the last time she saw them. Ignoring the closed sign she whispered Alohomora Mustelini, a charm the Weasley brother's themselves made to lock their door to their shop, the only way to get in after the door was locked was to say that exact spell. The brothers had told her it when she was dating Ron. She remembered their silly speech perfectly.

"'Mione, Ron—"

"—we need talk to you—"

"— about the shop."

"It has the potential—"

"—to be one of the—"

"—safest places in the—"

"—entire Wizarding World."

"To get in you need—"

"—to know the spell—"

"—and since our brother—"

"—is not very bright—"

"—we are telling it to him—"

"—and his possible wife."

"The woman he'll marry—"

"—if he knows what's right."

"Anyways, the spell is Alohomora Mustelini," Fred finished.

"G-good to know," Ron stuttered out staring at his brothers who were sounding a lot like the sorting hat.

That was one of the better days of her and Ron's relationship, no bickering or arguments. No snide comments or boring silences. It was all fun and happy. She remembered how she blushed when Fred and George implied that Ron should ask to marry her, _her_ of all people. The 'know-it-all Granger.'

Hermione called out to the twins but no one answered. 'Maybe they went out for awhile, it is Friday night.' Hermione decided to wait out their absence and make some tea up in the little kitchen nook upstairs, she was sure the boys wouldn't mind. They needed someone to mother them once in awhile, since their own mother isn't here to do it.

As she walked up the stairs she felt a stiffness of a stained spell encompass her. Hermione wasn't the most magic sensitive person out there but through working as an Unspeakable, a job where magic was often pushed and pulled to its limits, she had learned to become better in tune with the magic around her.

When she finally reached the landing she could tell that the magic was surrounding the 'master bedroom' the twins shared. Taking in the mess that made up the twin's flat she noticed the small tea kettle sitting on the stove on the far end of the room. There was also a small round wooden table with seats around it in the middle of the space and a couch off to the side of that. Everything looked very second hand and worn. She knew it wasn't because the twins weren't making a lot of money, they were making excellent money, but all the money they earned went into manufacturing more of their old products and experimenting with making new products. That left them with a portion for rent and a portion for food. Not much for entertainment and even less that they wanted to spend on furniture.

Turning her attention to the master bedroom where the strained magic was radiating from she quickly casted a diagnostic spell to see what type of shield they had casted and it reported that it was a sound shield, so similar to a silencing charm. With a smirk and a wave of her wand she broke down the shield and shouting quickly filled the room.

"You are a complete and utter _dick!_ I can't believe you just decided, aye since some rumors say it might be true, let's check! What if she fucking tells people! What then?! It will kill the business! Mum will kill us! How could you be such a stupid prick?!"

Shocked at the loud shout Hermione quickly replaced their sound shield with a much stronger one that included her in it. So she was eavesdropping, 'Well, sue me. I just want to help and it doesn't make it any better that I'm a tiny bit curious about why the twins are arguing.'

"Fuck. _Fuck. FUCK_! Merlin's beard, George, I am so sorry."

"Whatever, Fred. Save it for some other time."

"No, I seriously thought that—"

"'—That she'd be different' oh, yes, you never _mean_ to fucking hurt me. It's never on fucking _purpose_. Well, then, dear Fred, why don't you _stop fucking doing it!_ Stop bringing these fucking dumb arse women into our shop stop trying to tantalize them with our stories and our merchandise, stop fucking believing we're ever going to find that perfect girl! We're freaks! We're not special, you heard her! This isn't a fucking fairytale, its. Never. Gonna. Happen."

"Listen here, you may want to be a lonely arse all your life but I don't! And frankly I want you to happy! And I think another partner in crime will make you happy! I know it's the vow's fault but it doesn't change—"

At the mention of a vow Hermione let out a gasp. Vows were no light thing in the wizarding world and if there was a vow between the twins then who knew the type of trouble they could be in… "Fred! George! Can I come in?" Silence fell as Fred cut off his rant and Hermione felt indescribably dumb. ' _Why_ did I say that? Now they knew I've been listening! God, they're going to think I'm so nosy! Merlin's Beard, this is why I liked to have a plan! Because whenever I do something spontaneous I end up in a majorly fucked up situation!'

"What… 'Mione?" Fred asked as he opened the bedroom door a crack.

"Uh, yeah. I was in town and decided to pop in for a visit and tea…?" She wasn't lying but it felt like it and as the door slammed shut and she felt like an even bigger arse than before. With earnest she tried to ignore the muffled voices conversing, ease dropping had landed her into this mess, but couldn't help but hear through the thin door.

"It's Hermione."

"Hermione? What's she doing here?" George questioned incredulously.

"It's a sign."

"What in Merlin's name are you talking about, Fred?"

"I'm talking about _the_ girl, George," Fred answered back snarkily.

"Oy, listen up you piece of shite I'm done with the 'she's the one' talk. Just shut up about it already!"

A minute of silence passed.

"Well?"

"What?"

"Are we going to go have tea with her?"

"Aye, we will."

"Perfect, I'll go make the tea, come out whenever your shitty attitude goes back to Hell!" Fred said cheerily before he exited his room, closing the door with a slam, and turned to grin at Hermione.

"Hello, my lady, how are you this fine evening?" Fred said, walking over to her and kissing the back of her hand causing her to blush before she tugged his hand from his hold.

"Hello, Fred. I'm," Hermione paused to think about her night, "fine."

"I'm George." Hermione sent a playful smirk his way, she knew he wasn't George because while both brothers had freckles on their noses Fred's were always a shade lighter.

"Oh don't play that silly trick on me! I know you're Fred."

"Fred's in the room!"

"Shut up, Fred," Hermione said grinning as she walked away from her friend and seated herself on one of the wooden chairs surrounding the kitchen table and the argument she had over heard before was pushed to the farthest part of her mind. "You know, I remember the first time I met you guys and you played that trick on me and, Merlin, I was so confused." It had actually infuriated her that she couldn't tell the difference between them, she was supposed to be observant after all! So she took the time to study them and finally found a difference with their freckles.

"Ha, we get Ron every time," Fred said as he sat down next to Hermione.

"Yes, well, Ron is easily confused," Hermione said trying not to sound bitter.

"Aye, He's a dumb git. Whatever happened to you guys anyways? I mean I always thought—" Luckily for Hermione, George exited the bedroom at that exact moment.

"Hermione! It's good to see you! How are you? Please ignore my insensitive brother he doesn't realize what a prick he is."

"Uh huh…" Hermione answered just staring at the two brothers. She had never seen them in a real fight before and the tension was killing her.

"So, tea?" George asked rocking back on his heels as he awkwardly stood in front of the master bedroom's door.

"Sure—"

"Let's do something different," Fred said immediately cutting off Hermione. "How about firewhisky? I mean we're all adults here." George immediately glared at Fred who only had eyes for Hermione. The girl shrugged easily.

"I'm fine with whatever."

"Firewhisky it is then," Fred stood and bounded over to the kitchen nook before his brother could protest. "So, 'Mione, how is work going?"

"Oh, I love my job. I can't really talk about it but experimenting with magic is… exhilarating." Hermione smiled, she did love her job. But really that's all she did, work, occasionally meet with Harry and maybe Ron, and every now and then go on a blind date that Ginny sent her on.

"That's great," George commented sitting down in Fred's old seat as Fred busied himself with getting a bottle of firewhisky and a few shot glasses.

"Well, how's business going? Everything running smoothly?"

"As smooth as things can be with only us manufacturing the products—"

"—We're dying without a bigger staff but at the same time we can't afford more people on payroll right now—" Fred said as he walked back with the drinks giving George a glare before sitting down on the other side of Hermione.

"—and don't forget the pressure from surrounding countries to expand, we get letters from the States every week!" George continued falling back into the pattern of alternating speech with Fred easily.

"That's great!"

"Yeah—"

"—we guess."

"You know if you ever need help just ask me, I've learned some wicked charms."

"What about a charm that can duplicate a potion by ten-times?" George asks sarcastically rolling his eyes.

"Hmm… that'd be really useful. I'll ask the other 'speakables. Maybe I can figure something out…" Hermione's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to figure out what spells she would have to adjust to multiply an unstable potion by ten.

"T-that would be—"

"Great—"

"—amazing—"

"—incredible!"

"Do you really think—"

"—you can?"

"Yes," Hermione answered the twins easily still focused on her thoughts, "I think I can."

"Well, I think that deserves a toast!" Fred says poring three shots of Firewhisky and passing them around. "To ten times the business!"

"To ten times the business!" The others chimed back before they all downed their shot.s Hermione grinned at the warm tingly feeling coming from her now. She had long since gotten over the bitter taste of alcohol.

"So, 'Mione," Fred says wagging his eyebrows as he started to feel a bit buzzed, "any _relationships_ lately?"

"That's the second time I was asked that tonight! Merlin, you Weasleys are nosy!" Hermione said with a giggle, "But, no other than thinking my gay co-worker was hitting on me, no."

"What?" George gasped as he stared at her, "But you're so pretty." Fred refilled all their shots and Hermione gave a grimace at George's comment before downing it.

"Yes, well, some people seem to think I'm 'letting myself go.'"

The twins frowned at that downing their own shots as well.

"What does that even mean? 'Letting yourself go?' Aye, Fred pour me another one," Hermione said, "I'm finally starting to feel good."

Fred nodded refilling all the shots ignoring how fast the firewhisky was depleting.

"I, for one, don't think you're letting yourself go. I mean A. you're gorgeous and curvy as Hell and B.—" Hermione spit out her shot as soon as Fred said she was 'gorgeous and curvy as Hell', and George's nodding turned to laughter as he stared at his brother covered in spit infested firewhisky much to Hermione's mortification.

"Merlin, I am so sorry! This is the absolutely most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Merlin, I am so, _so_ , sorry!" She squeaked out running to get a towel from the kitchen.

"'Mione," Fred mumbled out as she covered his face with the towel wiping the whisky away, "'Mione, it's fine," Hermione paid him no heed as she continued wiping away, "'Mione, stop it… _'Mione_!"

Finally, Hermione pulled away, "Okay, I think I got it all. I'm so sorry. Gods, that's embarrassing."

"It's fine, although I wish me calling you gorgeous didn't make you do a spit take."

"I'm pretty sure it was the other part," she said quietly and Fred nodded.

"Right."

"Oh, Merlin, Fred you still have a…" with a sigh Hermione leaned over and wiped a bit of spit from the side of Fred's face not realizing how her shirt was sliding down or how Fred's face was angled so he had a perfect view right down the front of her shirt.

"Hermione," He breathed out lightly in response and she blushed lightly.

"Okay, I'll stop. Sorry."

"It's _fine_!" Hermione leaned back into her seat and the twins shared a look before bursting out into laughter.

"Merlin… Hermione… never thought that'd happen…." Fred managed to stutter out watching Hermione go redder and redder.

"Oh, shut up you two!" But the boys couldn't seem to stop laughing and even Hermione couldn't help how her lips curved up, soft giggles escaping her as she stared at the two brothers laughing like lunatics.

"Ha, Fred, you should've seen your face!" George continued bursting out into laughter as soon as he finished that sentence causing Hermione to break out into laughter as well.

Eventually their laughter melted away until they were sitting contently in silence every now and then a giggle escaping one of their smiling mouths.

"So…" Hermione said a giggle escaping.

"Want another?" Fred asked gesturing to the whisky.

"Of course," Hermione responded, "I haven't let loose like this in weeks."

"What about work? If you have work tomorrow it's going to be Hell," George commented and Hermione merely shrugged.

"I'll use some of my paid vacation days, my boss was about to kick me out anyways."

"Damn, you're lucky—"

"—weekends are our busiest days."

"Not to mention we're the owners—"

"—we don't really get paid vacations—"

"—because if we don't open the shop—"

"—there won't be any money to get paid with."

Hermione threw her head back and laughed, "True, boys, very extremely true."

"Hey, Hermione, wanna see our new merchandise? It's not available on the market quite yet but I think it could be a real hit," Fred said, his face lighting up with a devilish smile.

"Fred, I really don't think we should do this," George said lowly his previously carefree face turning dark.

"Oh, come on, Georgie! She'll love it."

Hermione's hazy mind peaked with interest at the boy's vague argument, "I would love to see new merchandise," she cut in and Fred's face lit up.

"See, George! She _wants_ to see it."

"'Mione—" George started but Fred quickly cut him off.

"Come on, it's in the bedroom," Fred grabbed her hand pulling her up and flush against in much to her amusement, "for mature audiences only." Hermione let out a giggle her alcohol addled mind not completely processing what he was saying.

Fred led her into the bedroom with George following behind her. Fred quickly casted a aeternum lumos, to light up the room and keep it lit before letting go of Hermione's hand and walking over to a closet.

"Prepare yourself, madam, for our newest collection of merchandise," Fred said as George stepped up next to Hermione who was staring at the closest, "I call it 'The Naughty Witches Collection.'"

Silence fell over the room as the closet door opened to reveal a wall full of sex toys.

"Just for the books, I find the name kind of sexist," George said but Hermione wasn't paying attention. Instead she was examining the wall.

"I like the name," Fred shot back and George rolled his eyes.

"Of course _you_ do."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that you have been a b—"

"This is brilliant!" Hermione said cutting off George as she examined a bottle.

"What is it?" the twins asked in sync walking over to Hermione.

"'Ultra Sensitizing Lubricant'" she read and Fred grinned.

"Oh, yes that's a favorite of mine."

"The wax always got a better reaction from you," George muttered under his breath so just Fred could hear.

"How did you make it? Is it a charm or a potion? How did you test it? Who did you test it _on_?" Hermione was firing off questions and Fred just smirked.

"Hold it, one question at a time. George, you created it. You explain it." George went red and glared at his brother before turning back towards Hermione's questioning eyes.

"Here, let me show you," He said tugging the bottle from Hermione's hand and squirting a little of the lotion into his palm. "Now, normally, you would put this… somewhere else. But for _research's_ sake we'll just put it on your arm. Now wherever it touches it will enhance the nerves so you will feel more sensitive, so my hands will be extra sensitive a well. It started off as a ticklish potion gone wrong but look at the effects," George massaged the lotion onto her right hand and arm, all the way up to her elbow. Immediately, goose bumps broke out along her arm from the light draft in the room and a mild tingling was running up and down her arm from his massage.

"Wow," she breathed out and he grinned.

"I know right?"

"We also carry muggle toys," Fred said with a grin watching his brother and 'Mione interact.

"What do you mean?"

"We charmed vibrators to work without electricity or batteries, and dildos are charmed to move on their own with just a simple password, it's for all the _single_ naughty witches out there." Hermione blushed thinking about herself. It had been a long _, long,_ time since she had, had fulfilling sex and if it was anyone _but_ Fred and George selling these she knows she would definitely find herself a way to get one of these brilliant toys.

"Unfortunately, most haven't been tested. I mean there's no one to test it on," Fred said carelessly and Hermione wanted to scream that she would most certainly test a few of these out.

"Well… you know I could probably take a few, and by a few I mean like one or two home… and maybe try them out… you know," Hermione must be really drunk if she was saying something like this. But no part of her wanted to take it back.

"Really? You would do that?" Fred asked acting as though he was surprised.

"Y-yeah. Certainly."

"But we need to study the results and what is going on during the sex to see if there are any warnings we need to add onto the boxes…."

It was B.S.

Complete bullshit.

Fred knew it. George knew it. Even the slightly tipsy Hermione could pick up on that. But no one said anything. After a long minute Hermione replied.

"So you need to be there, in real life, while I'm… testing… the toys?"

"Well, we have a charm to record things and then you could just send it to us."

"Like a sex tape?"

"Uh, sure. Whatever that is. Like a sex tape."

"I—I don't know. Couldn't I just tell you about it?"

"'Mione we really need this… George, back me up on this." George looked startled to be pulled into such an argument. But as he stared at his brother and this drop dead gorgeous, brilliant witch standing in front of him he knew that he wanted to 'study' these records as much as Fred did. He wanted her, just as much as Fred did. And he was going to try, just as much as Fred was.

"Ah, yes, Hermione. I mean it's research. That's all it is. Research."

Hermione bit her lip as the twins sent her pleading looks, "Oh… oh _alright_."

"Brilliant! Thank you so much, Hermione!" Fred cheered and Hermione grinned back.

"It's research."

"Oh, yes, we also need to interview you after each recording. To understand your perspective of the experience."

"Right. Okay."

"Brilliant!" shouted Fred and Hermione couldn't help but laugh.

So Fred and George quickly gathered three toys and put in the instructions for how to use them. They also quickly taught her how to use the recording charm.

"You see it is just a white orb," George explained as the orb floated around filming them from different angles, "And then you can say something like 'Hermione's Flat, 78 Fliderwold Lane, play on command'" the white orb flashed, filling the room with a blinding light, before disappearing, "You see 'Mione it'll be at your flat simply floating around and you just have to command it to play and you'll see all the footage on it."

"Alright then, that makes sense."

"Well, we'll owl you tomorrow to check in. Sleep tight, 'Mione," George called as she stepped in the fireplace to floo away.

"I will, g'night, boys! I'm really glad I stopped by. I had a great time visiting and I'll talk to you soon." With a final goodbye Hermione threw down the powder and shouted out "Hermione Jean Granger's Flat, number 78!" The cool ghost fire from the floo rushed up over her and she felt herself free falling until she landed with a thud in her own floo. Not so gracefully she climbed out of the fireplace and changed into pajamas not even bothering to think back on the day before falling asleep. For once she focused on her emotions and decided to just focus on the fact that she felt… content.


	2. Chapter 2

**It's Just Research**

 **A/N: Sorry it's so late I feel really shitty about that, but this chapter was rough going (It's kinda like a filler with some character development). Still, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter and co.  
**

* * *

 _Previously: Not so gracefully Hermione climbed out of the fireplace and changed into pajamas not even bothering to think back on the day before falling asleep. For once she focused on her emotions and decided to just focus on the fact that she felt… content._

* * *

As soon as she woke up Hermione reached for her wand. It was habit, a reassurance that she still had it and that she was safe. With a sigh she slowly sat up letting out a loud groan. She did _not_ feel like moving. Cradling her head in her hands she tried to think past the pounding in her skull. Hermione quickly recognized the signs of a hangover and casted a sobering charm that removed the remaining alcohol from her system, and vanished any lasting effects from the day before. She let out a sigh of relief as her head cleared and she returned to her normal, 'thank Merlin for sobering charms.'

Still feeling groggy she slipped the covers of her bed off and placed her shaky legs on the ground. Stretching and yawning she shuffled towards the kitchen where a hot cup of tea was waiting. Somehow she misjudged where her dresser was and managed to get a sharp jab in her side from the corner of it, causing her to jump back and land on a plastic bag. Grumbling to herself she took a step to the side and leaned down to pick up the very stupid, very annoying bag. This was _not_ how her morning was supposed to go. She quickly checked the bag to make sure she didn't break whatever was in it she was brought to startling realization that this was _the bag_. The one she got last night.

She quickly dropped _the bag_ and backed away from it as if it was some dangerous weapon. Great. Now, she had to send an owl to the boys telling them she wouldn't… she couldn't test out their products, and she had to explain that the night before she had been drinking and was feeling insecure and their products… 'Merlin… I can't believe I told them I'd try out their sex products! They probably think I'm bloody insane!' With a loud groan she tossed the bag away. She'd face the horrors of the bag after tea. And work. And dinner.

Settling herself down in the kitchen she murmured a few household spells Molly had taught her and within minutes she had a warm cup of tea and a piece of toast with jam on it sitting right in front of her. With a self satisfied smile she started thinking positively, she had read that the perfect way to start off every morning was to think about how great everything was. She had good food. And good tea. And a perfect breakfast all around. Plus, no house elf was slaving away to get her breakfast. She was self sufficient. She had a pretty flower on her table. The Daily Profit had already been delivered to her table by the owl (she had presubscribed so she didn't have to get up and pay every morning).

The only thing she would love to change is her table. Hermione hated her kitchen table, after all, she really didn't need this huge of a table.

Now realistically the table was an average sized rectangular cherry wood table, it would sit six people if needed. But Hermione rarely had one person over at her Flat not to mention six.

She really hated the table.

She should get rid of the table. It was just… her parents had given it to her…. But still she didn't like it and she shouldn't keep it if she didn't like it.

Maybe she could give it to Ginny and Harry as a baby shower gift. 'Oh, who wants a table as a baby shower gift?! No one in their right mind wants a table as a baby shower gift!' Hermione thought to herself munching on her toast.

'I could burn it,' she thought gleefully thinking of herself casting Infernos at the table and watching it as it burned. 'Or I could-'

A peaking sound broke Hermione out of her internal table rant; looking out the window she saw a huge black owl with spots of white on its wings. Smiling at the cute owl she quickly opened the window to let it in. Immediately it flew over to the table and sat itself down right next to her plate. She made sure to feed

it a bit of toast as a thanks before reaching down and untying the letter from its foot.

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _As soon as Fred and I awoke this morning we knew we needed to send you a letter. Whatever happened last night means nothing, you do not have to, in any way shape or form follow through with the agreement we made. You were obviously not in your right mind and we'd appreciate if you returned the **toys**_

Hermione could see that the word toys in the letter was heavily crossed out and replaced with merchandise.

 _merchandise at your earliest convenience._

 _Sincerely,_

 _George (And Fred too)_

 _P.S. Do you like our Owl? We named him Yuni (You-nee) because he reminded us of_ you _!_

Hermione smiled at how considerate George was, he knew what she was thinking and just what she needed to hear. She would send the… _things_ home tonight. With a sigh she placed the letter on the table, only to notice there was some writing on the other side. Flipping the letter over she saw another message but this time to her from Fred.

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _I really hate to bother you this morning but I would just like to tell you that you in no way, shape, or form have to test out our amazing sex toys. I mean it takes a lot of courage, and trust in us to have created safe products and I know you probably don't want to risk it. I completely understand, but just in case that Gryffendor courage comes out and you just have to try out our products I have a reservation at the Siren's Call on Monday so we can meet up to have dinner and discuss the products. Even if you just test out one… well, I hope to see you there at 8:00. Sincerely,_

 _Fred (And George too)_

 _P.S. I hope you like our owl! Its name is Yuni (You-nee) 'cause he reminds us of you! But make sure not to feed it any Human food, he has the worst digestion system known to owl kind. Cheers!_

As she read the last line she heard an awful squelching noise and as she looked up she saw Yuni pecking at the toast and jam on her plate and pile of runny bird shit all over her stupid gigantic table.

"Alright, Yuni! Out! Out of my house you damn bird!" Hermione said fuming from Fred's letter. She slammed the window up and turned to see Yuni just staring at her with her big owl eyes and her head tilted to the side, silently asking what she did wrong, "Don't make me get the broom," Hermione threatened and with a rustle of feathers Yuni was up and out the window making sure to release another shit as she was flying above the apple tree directly across the street from Hermione's flat.

"Dumb bird," she muttered as she walked back to the table ignoring the owl shit and grabbing the letter. She reread each side two more times and each time she felt like screaming at Fred that she _was_ Gryffendor enough to test the 'Naughty Witches' sex toys. That she wouldn't return them like George suggested.

She wasn't dumb, she knew it was reverse psychology, saying one thing but implying another. She also could tell that the reverse psychology was definitely affecting her. What she didn't know was what she wanted to do about it.

Was she to ignore it? That would be the smart thing, she reasoned as she paced back and forth. But another part of her was saying how she should turn it on them.

Hermione was brought out of her thoughts when her big, loud, annoying grandfather clock that she got from Molly chimed 8. She had to leave for the Ministry by 8:20 so she had enough time to get to the Department of Mysteries by 8:30. Seriously, that was how far away the Department of Mysteries was from the main entrance. Luckily, she only had to take one lift. It was just a really long lift. Hermione starting rushing around, throwing her frizzy hair into a ponytail and tossing on a pair of jeans and a random shirt. Her clothes weren't that big of a deal anyways, she made sure her department was relaxed and didn't have a uniform. To her the rule was that as long as their clothes could protect them in their experimenting they were okay to wear, because sometimes robes got in the way. Plus, she always had her Unspeakable robes to put over her clothes for any meetings she might have or any run-ins with the boss. As she rushed towards her fireplace Hermione tried not to think about when the last time she had a shower was, instead focusing on the fact that she had to be at work, in… the clock said that it was 8:22, so _now_!

Garbed in her Unspeakable robes with her hood covering her face, Hermione threw herself into the Floo and screamed "Ministry main entrance." After a minute when nothing happened she finally realized that she forgot to grab the powder. Huffing at herself she quickly grabbed a fistful of the sooty powder and threw it down.

Hermione tried to remain dignified as she stepped from the Ministry Floo Network, bits of soot covering her robes. She swept from the room, not just walking but _gliding_ towards the lift. She could hear the room grow quieter as other Ministry workers turned to stare at her. For some reason Unspeakables were just so _fascinating_ to them.

She wished she could run towards the lift as the door was shutting but there was certain protocol Unspeakables had to abide to in public and not running was part of that protocol. Still she waited, not tapping her foot like she wanted to because other people were waiting with her, and finally at long last she made it (only 3 minutes late). Hermione no longer paused before the big double doors leading towards the Department of Mysteries, the memories of the battle that took place here have long since been replaced with memories of what she has discovered here. Hermione took her wand out and placed it against a scanner that would clock how much time she spent here today before she entered.

As she passed the Time Room Hermione paid extra special attention to not making a show of herself. Her boss, Levina Monkstanley an extremely old cranky witch that should have retired years ago, was in there yelling at someone for breaking another Time-Turner. Monkstanley always got onto her about how much she worked and that she needed to use up some of her vacation time before they took it away and today Hermione was not in the mood for a lecture. A minute later she found herself standing in front of the Department of Magical Adaptation and Spell Work. _Her_ department.

Four years ago she had gained a job as an Unspeakable and at the time she had started off small. Working in the Time Room was her first job, it was tradition for newbies, and she was proud to say that she excelled. It wasn't long before she was making her first proposition about a new department to Monkstanley and it took even less time for Monkstanley to approve it.

'I mean it was kind of a shock,' Hermione thought to herself, 'A Department of Magical Experimentation would have been the first department I'd have put in.' Monkstanley admitted to feeling a bit dumb at the fact that she hadn't thought of that before and shortly after Hermione opened her department several other departments were proposed. Like Finn's Department of Potion Modification, and Akio Satou's Department of Magical Transportation Acclimatization.

Hermione couldn't help the smile that crossed her face as she stepped into The Department of Magical Adaptation and Spell Work. First she ran to her office and threw off her cloak, then she quickly began her rounds stopping by every station asking for updates and if they needed any help or more materials.

"Dylan," she greeted peaking over his shoulder not noticing how he stiffened or how his face seemed to grow pink at the proximity, "How are you?" Hermione asked as he closed his Latin dictionary and notes on Dementors.

"I'm… uh… fine."

"Good, good, any new progress?"

"Ah, yeah actually," Dylan said turning to face his boss, "You know how I'm working to adapt the Patronus charm so it not only repels Dementors but destroys them? Well, I believe that if I replace the hand movement, which is the base for the rune of light, with the base rune of fire we might just have it."

"Interesting, care to explain why?" Hermione questioned leaning against the desk he was working at.

"Uh, well you see light repels them and fire is light but fire call also harm and it's a different quality of light."

"Hmm, have you thought about where the memory fits in at all?"

"No, not at this time."

"Alright then you might want to look into that, good work though. I'll check in with you later," Hermione said with a grin before turning away, she only let the best onto her team and young Dylan had showed a lot of potential. Okay so he wasn't that young, only two years younger than her, but compared to her, and her life experience that felt young.

"Uh, Hermione? I mean Ms. Granger? Or, uh…."

"Hermione is fine, Dylan."

"Right, I was wondering… uh do you… want to… uh… go… study my notes and make sure I'm not missing anything?" Dylan was beat red and Hermione couldn't help but find that a little odd, he was usually so collected.

"Sure, I'll pick them up before I leave today," she said puzzled, no one normally made such a big fuss about her looking over their notes.

"Okay, uh… thanks. Hermione."

"You're welcome," she said before walking away. She couldn't help but think that things got weird fast.

As she entered her office she remembered that she needed to talk to Finn about multiplying a potion by ten, so she casted a voice projection spell and called her right hand woman, Jasmine Williams, to her. Jasmine was a young African-American girl from the States that was studying under her and several other Department runners for the next year so she could open up her own Department of Mysteries in America.

"Yes, Ms. Granger?"

"Jasmine, how many times will I have to tell you to call me Hermione?"

"Only a hundred times more," Jasmine teased with a grin, "Now, what can I help you with?"

"I need to visit, Mr. Goldspen for a moment about a new research opportunity can you just watch over everyone and make sure no one catches the department on fire, again?" Hermione asked already exiting the room.

"I'll do my best but I learned no one can truly control you Unspeakables," Jasmine said causing Hermione to let out a barking laugh.

"True, Jas, very true. I'll be back soon!" she called before exiting her office. Quickly she ran out of the department praying to Merlin that no one would stop her and ask her to look over their project. She managed a lucky escape from her Unspeakables and quickly walked down the hall to the Finn's department.

As she knocked on the door she heard screams of "Duck and cover!" "We got a code yellow! CODE YELLOW!" "Ready the hose!" which caused her to back away a few steps. A minute passed and after a series of banging and sizzling noises Finn opened the door and greeted her with blackened hair and a charred smile.

"Sorry 'bout that, we 'ad uh… bit of situation. Nothing we can't handle though, I assure you it's all fine. All perfectly fine."

"Good to hear, Finn," Hermione said smiling at her friend.

"Right-O! So what are you here for today, 'Mione?" He said opening the door all the way so Hermione could come in.

"Well, yesterday I met up with some old friends of mine, you know the Weasley brood I take it?" The two began strolling around the many cauldrons ignoring the large black circle where it seems one used to be.

"Uh, yeah. I kinda know 'em. I've heard of most of 'em," Finn said a smirk playing across his lips.

"Well, the twins, Fred and George, have a joke shop. Surely you've heard of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes?"

"Ah, yes! My nephew goes their all the time, he says that their products are brilliant!"

Hermione smiled, "Well, they are. But they're having bit of a production issue. You see they need more products than they can afford to make. So I was wondering what the likely hood of being able to multiply a potion by say two… or ten times would be…." Hermione trailed off looking away from Finn.

Finn was taken completely aback, Hermione knows how dangerous potions are, "'Mione. We're talking unstable joke potions. Being multiplied by tens?! That… that's crazy! Utter insanity!"

"I know, I know, I just really want to help them. They seemed so desperate!"

"'Mione," Finn chided taking her arm and tugging her to a stop, "You didn't let me finish. It's crazy, it's insane, and it is _just_ the type of experimentation I want to do! I haven't had a good project like that in weeks!"

"Oh… _oh!_ You're saying yes. You mean you'll do it?!"

"Yes! Of course I will! This will be bloody brilliant!"

Hermione couldn't help but clap her hands excitedly, "Gods, do you want me to help? No offense, but I'm better at charm work than you and for some reason I think this is going to need a combination of everything," Hermione said speaking quickly.

"Well… I suppose I could use the help of the most brilliant witch I know…."

Hermione let out a girlish squeal before giving him a hug, "Oh, Merlin, this is going to be the most brilliant thing ever. When do you want to start?"

Finn's smile turned uncomfortable, "Well… uh we _could_ start tonight—"

"Okay, perfect! I can be here—"

"Wait, Hermione, we could start tonight. But we need to stop early, cause… uh… my boyfriend is visiting. He, uh, works out of country and He's coming in for a week tonight."

Hermione smiled, thank Merlin Ginny told her earlier or she would be taken completely by surprise, "That's fine, we can stop whenever you want!"

"Look I know it's weird but—wait, what?"

"I get it, you need to see your boyfriend. We can stop whenever you want."

"Okay... thanks," Finn shot her grin and they started walking again, "So, let's talk about the runes we want to focus on here…."

For the next hour they covered runes until another accident occurred. After that Finn rushed back to work and Hermione realized she needed to get back to her own Department.

Hermione spent the rest of the day doing paperwork, looking over notes, and occasionally researching runes for her own project.

Finally, 5 o'clock arrived and the Unspeakables, slowly but surely began to leave. By 6 o'clock only Jasmine, Dylan, and Blaise Zabini were left.

"Alright, time to clear out," 'Mione called to the group, but none moved. "I mean it you guys, it's 6 o'clock, _leave_." With a huff Blaise slammed his books down.

"I'm so fucking close, Granger. I can practically taste it!" She didn't take offense to how he was talking to her, he didn't mean it like that. He was just stressed. He was working hard find a way to remove the Dark Mark so she gave him a thin smile and nodded.

"Taste it tomorrow, Zabini, I bet you've been in here since 7. And I bet you skipped lunch. Working 11 hours straight isn't healthy. Go eat, get some sleep, and come back tomorrow."

With a nod and a haunted look in his eye Blaise harshly grabbed his books and left.

"What about you two?" she asked Dylan and Jasmine. A long moment of silence passed and as soon as Dylan was about to say something Jasmine opened her mouth.

"I looked at your file," Jasmine said and when Hermione sent her a confused look she set down her journal and turned to face her, "I looked at your file. When you were working in the Time Room you worked over time every. Single. Day. And you're brilliant! The youngest person to ever start a Department. If I want to be half as great as you I need to work as hard as you! If not harder, since I wasn't head of my class like you were." Jasmine said sounded frantic. Hermione looked down at her with a sad smile before turning towards Dylan.

"What are you waiting for, Dylan?"

"Oh. I was just waiting so I could walk up with you."

"That's very nice but I need to talk to Jasmine for a bit. Why don't you head up?" He looked disappointed but nodded and walked away.

Immediately Hermione sat herself across from Jasmine, "Jasmine," she said with a sigh but the girl wouldn't look up from her notebook. "Jas," the girl still wouldn't look up, "Jassy! Just listen to me! Look, there are a lot of things files don't tell you. Like…" Hermione's voice wavered slightly, "how many boyfriends I've had."

Now, _this_ caught Jasmine's attention, "Wait, what?"

"I've had one boyfriend my entire life. I mean sure, since we've broken up I've gone on dates and what not, but I've never found someone that stuck out to me as much as him. And do you know _why_ we broke up? He left me because I was never around. And even when I was around I wasn't _there_. Jasmine, you have no idea, _no clue,_ how much I miss him and how much I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go home _on time_ and just talk to him! To tell him that I love him and that I appreciate him. Somehow, all that over time I spent in the Time Room never taught me how to do that." Jasmine still didn't look convinced, "You know three days after we broke up he had a new girlfriend? They say they met purely by chance and it was all 'love at first sight' but who _really_ believes that? Not me. So Jas, just out of curiosity, do you have a boyfriend?"

Jasmine bit her lip and nodded, "Well, yeah. Back in America."

"And when was the last time you floo-ed?" Hermione could see the realization dawn on her and watched as Jasmine's face fell.

"It's been awhile."

"Yeah? Well, why don't you go talk to him? He probably misses you." Jasmine started to get up before she paused looking longingly at her books, "It'll be here tomorrow." Hermione reminded her and with that Jasmine shot out of her chair, gave Hermione a hug and ran out of the room.

With a sigh Hermione grabbed her cloak from her office and walked over to Finn's Department, they had both agreed to work there for today.

"'ermione!" Finn greeted as soon as she walked in, "I've been wondering when you were going to show up! All my crew left at 5."

"Yes, well, I have a few stubborn ones that like to work overtime," 'Mione said good naturedly, "Now, let's get started…."

Nearly 2 hours passed as they worked hard and checking and rechecking what worked and what didn't. Eventually they agreed on four runes to base the spell off of. The rune of replication, the rune of clarity, a weak rune of individualizing, and a strong combination rune. The clarity rune was supposed to be a safety rune but that reacted negatively with…

"'Mione, I don't know how many more runes I can take!" Finn cried his short dirty blonde hair a disheveled mess.

"Oh come on, Finn," Hermione muttered teasingly as she continued to copy down their hurried notes in more legible handwriting, "We haven't even gotten to the Latin yet." Finn threw himself down groaning and crying about how this was why he worked with _potions_ not spells. Despite having to do a lot of research for potions it was still more hands on experimenting than spells. Spells you had to do _a lot_ of core research before you started casting.

Suddenly, a fully fledged Patronus came gliding into the room, or maybe _flying_ would be a more accurate term. The Patronus was a dragon, which breed she couldn't tell, but it would occasionally spit fire at the darker areas in the room. Stopping in front of Finn the dragon opened its mouth and a familiar voice began echoing around the room.

 _"Okay, listen babe I had this whole plan about how I was going to surprise you at work and we were going to fulfill that one dirty fantasy of yours once and for all, but then I realized that the bitchy secretary wasn't going to let me come down and surprise you because you're an Unspeakable and your workplace is Unspeakable and I can't speak about you. So, I decided to wait. Anyways, waiting is boring so stop working and get your sweet arse up here so I can get the 'welcome back to the country' that I deserve."_

The dragon then gave one last spit of fire before it dissolved into sparkles. Hermione felt her cheeks warm slightly but couldn't help the giggle that escaped. "Wow… okay, if you ever do fulfill whatever dirty fantasy you have at work can you floo me before hand and tell me not to go into work that day?"

Finn looked completely mortified as he stared at where the Patronus had been just seconds before. "Uh, I think it's time to go…."

Hermione let out another laugh before she started gathering their materials. "So when do you want to meet up again?"

"Well, my boyfriend is meeting his family on Tuesday and uh today is…?"

"Saturday," Hermione filled in as they walked down the corridor towards the lift.

"So, I'm going to be out until Tuesday… but if you start working on the Latin I will be much more productive… I swear it!" Finn says as he presses the lift button for the main floor.

"Mmm hmm, whatever you say. But… uh, just out of curiosity, who _is_ your boyfriend?"

"Oh, 'is name is…" the lift made a dinging noise and stopped on the main floor, she watched the door slowly slide open to reveal a rugged red head leaning against a wall, "Charlie Weasley. You 'eard of 'im?"

Hermione's jaw dropped open as Finn swept from the lift. Merlin's Mother, she knew there was something familiar about that Patronus! Even the voice was familiar! Merlin she is so _stupid_! She stepped from the lift right before the doors started to close. Why was she so surprised? Charlie never showed any interest in girls, at all! It made perfect sense.

"Well, I'll see you on Tuesday, 'Mione! Cheers!" Finn said before strutting over to his boyfriend.

"Bye," she muttered quietly still staring at the second oldest Weasley.

She watched from afar as Finn quickly walked up to Charlie and attacked his mouth. She felt like a stalker but couldn't look away. No one else was in the main entrance right now, after all it was almost 8 and if someone was still in the ministry they were here for the long haul.

Charlie pulled Finn closer and she watched as his hand dipped lower. Merlin, pretty soon they'd be fucking! Hermione felt her breath hitch as Finn pushed Charlie harder against the wall so he was pinned while Finn trailed his mouth up and down his neck. Charlie tilted his head so Finn had better access and it gave him a perfect view of Hermione.

Wide eyed and flushed it was obvious that she was staring at the couple and Charlie's lips twisted into a smirk. He leaned up and whispered something into Finn's ear. Suddenly, Finn was grinding against Charlie which caused moans to echo across the loud room.

'Okay,' Hermione decided, 'this is a little too much.' So with that she ran to one of the many fireplaces lining the hall and floo-ed out of there.

As soon as she appeared in her living room she dropped everything.

"Merlin, what an in-fucking-sane day," she muttered tugging her shoes off and plopping on the couch. As soon as she laid down on the couch memories assaulted her.

Last night, with her agreeing to test the toys. This morning her indecision about the toys. This afternoon with how much work they got down on the boys' potion spell thing. Then just now with Finn and Charlie's porn star worthy performance.

All she could think about was sex.

Sex toys.

Helping the boys that gave her sex toys.

Two really, _really_ , hot guys having sex.

Her having some decent sex.

Using sex toys to mimic having decent sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Merlin, she sounded like a hormonal teenage boy.

Hermione huffed closing her eyes. Immediately certain images came to mind.

 _Charlie pulled Finn closer to him tugging at his shirt and kissing him frantically letting him know just how much he's missed him…._

NO! Bad Hermione! You can't think of your friend and his hot boyfriend (which is coincidently your ex-boyfriend's brother) having sex. It's wrong. Hermione let out a huff but didn't open her eyes...

 _Suddenly the two boys were in a bedroom, Finn tugging off Charlie's shirt and now it's skin on skin. Charlie is more frantic as he practically rips the buttons off of Finn's button down._

It's bad. It's really bad… but it doesn't _feel_ bad. And they'll never know….

Hermione bit her lip and got up from the couch. She couldn't sit still she had to…

Pacing back and forth she somehow ended up back in her bedroom having a stare down with a plastic bag.

' _I mean it takes a lot of courage, and trust in us to have created safe products and I know you probably don't want to risk it.'_ Fred's words came back to her and she felt herself start to waver, ' _in case that Gryffendor courage comes out….'_

And then the decision was made.

'Fuck you, Fred and George Weasley. Fuck you to the deepest pits of Hell.'


	3. Chapter 3

**It's Just Research**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and Co.**

 **Warning and A/N: So, you know how this is rated M? This chapter is where that becomes obvious so if you're not into that well I **_**really**_ **don't think you should be reading this fanfic. Also I'm going on vacation for a week so it's going to be a bit before I update again, sorry.**

* * *

 _Previously:_

 _And then the decision was made._

 _'Fuck you, Fred and George Weasley. Fuck you to the deepest pits of Hell.'_

* * *

Hermione walked over to the bag, and opened it.

She emptied the three products onto her bed. One was quite obviously a dildo-ish thing, then there was a small bug like looking thing, and lastly a potion or lotion or something. She decided to pick the one she could most easily identify. The dildo… thing.

It was big, purple and all of the sudden she was feeling weird again. There was something forbidden about the, uh, toys. Like the minute she used one she was officially crossing over to the dark side. But once Hermione made a decision, that was it. She stuck with it.

Just like when she decided she to go with Harry on the search for the Horcruxes. Or when she decided to send her parents to Australia, or that time when she decided to get her parents _back_ from Australia. And now, now Hermione has decided to try using this… okay she just had to say it… _dildo._

There. She thought it, and she didn't add 'thingy' or anything.

Good for her.

Being Hermione she looked for the instructions first. Noting that they were actually a part ofthe product she decided to just… get on with it. Hermione placed the rest of the toys back into the bag and placed the bag on the floor, before sitting cross legged on of her bed awkwardly holding the purple _dildo_ (She thought it again!) and turning it so she could read the instructions.

 _*Please Read Before Using*_

 _This product is for all our single Naughty Witches out there. We hear that it can be quite difficult to sufficiently use a dildo all by yourself so we designed this to 'thrust' on its own! No guidance needed. To activate the automatic thrust the password is…_

The password was covered by one of those things that you need to scratch off, and once she scratched it off it said 'Fuck me.' Typical Gred and Feorge.

… _and the way to power off the dildo is to just say off. Or orgasm 3 times. You choose._

 _Sincerely,_

 _The Twin's of the Night_

Holy. Mother. Of. Merlin. What the fuck had she gotten herself into? So she had to test if it _turns on_ with the words 'fuck me', if it _powers off_ with the word off, _and_ if it powers off with 3 ENTIRE FUCKING ORGASMS! Is that even physically possible?

The logical side of her says yes, she's read quite a few articles about that in the Witch Weekly.

But the irrational side of her worries that it's impossible to even have one.

Hermione let out a huff flopping back onto the bed. She let the purple dildo rest beside her. She wasn't a virgin or anything, oh no that was one of the first things Ronald had talked her out of.

* * *

" _It'll mean that we're serious!"_

" _I… I don't know. I'm just… it seems a little soon," Hermione said nervously twisting the necklace he got her around her finger._

 _The red head let out a big sigh his ears going red,_ _"Come on,'Mione, I love you. And I want to share this with you."_

 _And just like that her heart melted._

" _Aw, Ron," she cooed scooting over to him and giving him a kiss._

" _Is that a yes?" He asked pleadingly with large puppy dog eyes._

" _Uh," Hermione paused thinking about it, "Yes. That is a yes." Ron let out a whoop of glee and Hermione giggled, she couldn't help the butterflies she had in anticipation._

 _They did it that night, in his apartment. It was uncomfortable and weird but once it was over all she could do was bask in the afterglow. She had finally found the one. Like Harry and Ginny, this was it. This was her Happily Ever After._

 _Ron had already fallen asleep._

* * *

After that night they 'made love' a few more times and it wasn't necessarily _bad_ , Ron loved it, but there wasn't much there for Hermione. She just did it 'cause Ron wanted it. And it made their relationship more official. That was part of the reason Lav-Lav had taken her by surprise.

Hermione shook off the thoughts of her ex and turned back to the situation at hand.

She had experienced minor orgasms, of sorts, by her own hand. But that was usually after she downed a firewhisky or two. No, she had to do this sober. For researches sake.

So she needed to… get 'in the mood.' Or 'horny' as Ron had called it.

Unwillingly two men came straight to mind.

Finn and Charlie.

* * *

 _Finn pushed Charlie down on the bed and quickly took Charlie's shirt off. But everything after that was slow. He slowly, antagonizing slowly, kissed his way down Charlie's neck nipping here and there. Then right at the collar bone he bit down and sucked leaving a hickey and causing a gasp of surprise from Charlie his blue eyes flying open._

" _How long has it been again?" Finn asked lowly as he continued to nip and suck up and down Charlie's chest._

 _Charlie let out a low moan before answering, "Merlin… too long."_

 _Finn smirked against Charlie's chest, "Be precise," he murmured tauntingly bringing his hips down to Charlie's and grinding._

" _Uh, s-seven months?" Charlie managed to get out as Finn slid lower._

" _Seven?" Finn said before he let his tongue trail a path from Charlie's belly button to the waistline of his jeans. Charlie just moaned in response. "Hmm, I think that's a little too long."_

 _Charlie nodded as Finn played with the waist line of his jeans, not pulling them down but not leaving them alone either, "I think I need to teach you that it's not okay to stay away for that long." Charlie froze, but he couldn't help the wave of arousal that went through his body._

" _What do you mean?" Charlie said lowly, but Finn didn't miss the sound of want in his voice._

" _I'm going to help you remember to never stay away for that long, ever again." And then Finn stopped playing with the waistline of Charlie's jeans causing Charlie to let out a whimper of protest, "Oh don't worry babe we'll get back to that." Finn said easily letting his hand run over Charlie's hard-on before before inching his way back up Charlie's body, "But first…." Finn grabbed at Charlie's roots tugging hard and bringing their lips together in a battle of dominance that Finn easily won._

 _Once he broke away he immediately latched onto Charlie's collar bone, the opposite side of where Charlie's first hickey was, leaving another identical one. "Two down, five more to go," He spoke in a husky voice and Charlie couldn't take his lust filled eyes off of him._

* * *

'Bloody fucking Hell' was the first thought that ran through Hermione's mind as her eyes fluttered open, her hand seemed to have worked itself into her plain nude colored knickers on its own accord she couldn't find it within herself to remove it.

The way her fingers rubbed her clit caused her insides to clench in the most delightful… 'Focus!' she chided herself, 'Remember you're doing this for research.' So she regretfully removed her hand from her panties and started stripping herself of her clothes, it'd be easier that way.

She quickly ripped off (not literally) her t-shirt and slipped off her already unbuttoned jeans. Her nude panties came off quickly and she thought that she might as well take off the plain black bra. Hermione had noticed with glee that even though she had 'let herself go' her breasts seemed to have only gotten bigger, how could that be a bad thing?

She couldn't help the arousal she felt as she lied against the top cover of her blue-grey comforter completely nude the light drafts from the room causing goosebumps to rise on her skin. However, she tried to focus her mind on what was the best way to test the product. After a moment of consideration Hermione decided that to test if saying the word off after the product was activated worked she was going to turn the _dildo_ on, then let it uh… thrust… for a bit and then turn say off. Then turn it back on and hope she could orgasm more than once and turn it off that way.

Hermione used her fingers to prep herself first letting herself just focus on how good it felt to rub her clit, then she slipped a single digit down into herself she couldn't help the small pants that left her lips as she slowly alternated between rubbing her clit and stretching with herself with her fingers. Once there was significant wetness around her… area and she no longer felt uncomfortable with her fingers in… _there_ she decided to move onto the bigger things.

Holding the dildo she awkwardly tried to position it and then murmered the magic words, "Uh… fuck me?" The command came out sounding like a question but the dildo slowly inched forward and inside of her. It didn't move quickly but she could feel every thrust and Merlin it felt _good_.

With a moan she felt herself relax as it pulled out then tense up when it pushed in, her thighs clenching delightedly. "Bloody hell," she murmured as it pulled out slowly once again, all the way, before pushing back in just as slowly hitting what felt like every part of her. She nearly forgot that she had to stop it. "Shit," she hissed as the dildo pushed in. What the hell was the word again? Ugh, something like stop. "Stop," she said clearly but nothing happened, "Uh… don't go? Off?" At the last word the dildo completely stopped lodged halfway inside her it just kind of hung there, totally still. "Alright," Hermione said clearly, more confident this time, "Fuck me." She didn't say it huskily or timidly she just kind of... said it.

The dildo was faster this time, more confident just like her and as it quickly thrust into her she couldn't help how her hips lifted off the bed, "Bloody Hell this is _amazing_ ," she hissed out as the dildo thrust into her insistently causing her back to arch and her toes to curl. Her pants grew louder as with each thrust it hit her g-sport, "Fuck, fuck, fuck," Hermione cursed her eyes half closing and she couldn't help but reach her hand down and rub her clit with each thrust. Her entire body tensed but the dildo didn't stop and then her pussy quivered and it was as though the dam finally broke. " _Fuck me!"_ she screamed loudly throwing her head back and clenching as a rush off arousal washed over her.

Even as she lied still, completely exhausted, the dido continued to thrust away, it seemed that her last 'fuck me' had caused it to speed up even more. As it pummeled into her at an insane speed she felt her arousal begin to build up once again. She couldn't even yell out curse words as her legs spread even farther apart and her hands threw themselves up over her head. Loud panting filled the room and she felt the tingling of an orgasm fill her once again. Her mouth opened in a silent scream as she thrashed back and forth the pleasure that she hadn't felt in so long filling her up like glass of cool water. Except she was hot, she was on fire.

Once again her body sagged as though all her energy had been drained out of her. But she still had one more breath taking orgasm to go. She was starting to get sore but she had to finish this, she had to make sure the product worked. Hermione murmered 'fuck me' causing the dildo's thrusting to slow down to a more moderate thrusting. As her gasps slowed down she let her hand slip down to her clit, rubbing it roughly while the dildo filled her again and again. Hermione let out a low moan as she felt the tell tale quivering of her insides but she didn't stop rubbing her clit, "Fuck," she muttered lowly as her toes curled of their own accord. A gasp was ripped from her and she felt herself grin as her entire body stiffen, her mouth making what was becoming a very familiar 'o' shape.

With that the dildo gave two more slow pumps before it went still. Hermione was too tired to even pull out the dildo right away. "Merlin," she muttered out loud not bothering to open her eyes. She half expected herself to fall asleep then and there but some part of her managed to convince herself to get up. With a groan Hermione pulled the dildo out and tossed it to the side not even bothering to even clean it off, she'd do it later.

She placed her wobbly legs on the ground and winced at the soreness radiating from between her legs, she better grab a potion for that. Hermione wobbled over to the dresser and grabbed a pair of sweats and a hoody along with a fresh pair of knickers, although she foregoed the bra.

'Mione exited the room and headed to the kitchen casting a quick spell for tea before she walked back to her bathroom and started to go through her magically enlarged medicine cabinet trying to find a potion that worked to eliminate soreness. Finally, she found one that would do and it would only need one dose.

Grabbing a dose Hermione made her way back to the kitchen and grabbed her tea taking a sip of that before she downed her potion. She ignored the foul taste and began gulping down her tea to replace that. Which she nearly spit out because she forgot to put sugar in it. With a sigh she grabbed a bowl of sugar and moved to her giant cherry wood table with dried on bird shit on it, which she vanished as soon as she saw, and sat down. She was exhausted but it was only 8:30-ish.

As an enormous amount of sugar was poured into her tea Hermione started thinking of what exactly needed to be done right now. She needed to write a letter to the twins and tell them... "Shit!" Hermione hissed as she realized that she forgot to cast that charm that would record the entire experiment so _now_ she had to think of another fucking way to show them what happened! And there was no way she could do that whole thing again, it was _way_ too exhausting. So she needed to show them her memo—oh. She was an she needed to do was take the memory and put it in a pensive! Then they'd be able to watch it and next time she'd cast the charm that would record it and it'd be all better.

So she needed to write a letter to the twins.

Then she needed to get a fucking pensive.

And learn how to take memories out of her head.

She also needed to write a letter to her mother saying hello before she got another angry letters asking why exactly she was so busy that she couldn't even write.

She needed to do a lot of stuff, but all she wanted to do was sleep.

With a sigh she laid her head down on her stupid table and closed her eyes, having no idea what turmoil two other people were experiencing at that same exact time.

Only an apparition, or a floo away two boys sat in their shitty master bedroom on their separate beds staring at the ceiling trying to fight the bond.

"Fuck," George hissed as he felt the control over his limbs slowly fade away.

"George, we should just do it," Fred chided as he sat curled up in a ball on his own bed on the opposite side of the room as George.

" _No_ ," He whispered still fighting the vow. The curse.

" _George_ ," Fred whispered holding himself a bit tighter, "It's harder when you're not actually there. It's scary looking at you, doing _that,_ and nobody's home. It's freaky and weird just please… do it. Stop fighting it."

George turned his face away from his twin closing his eyes trying to hold himself together all while going back to _that_ night.

* * *

 _Two red-headed_ _11 year old twins sat facing each other a day before their first day of school._

" _What if we're not in the same House?" Fred asked his twin as they sat criss cross facing each other._

" _Wha'd you mean? 'Course we'll be in the same House," George answered even though he was secretly worried as well._

" _But what if we're not?" Fred asked insistently._

" _Then… we just will."_

" _But what if…."_

" _Wait! I got an idea!" George crawled over to his bed and reached under his mattress pulling out a pocket knife, "I found this in Bill's room, it's a pocket knife."_

 _Fred looked at him confused, "What're you gonna do with that?"_

" _Well," George began looking nervous, "We don't have to. But if you want we'll make a blood vow. That it'll always be us. We won't go into different houses, and when we're older we won't live in different houses and have different jobs and get married to girls and stuff, it'll always be just us."_

 _A smile broke across Fred's face, "Really? You'd do that?"_

" _Well, it's going to be like that with the blood vow or not so…." George said with a grin back at Fred._

" _Wicked! Let's do it."_

 _So George took the knife and as he was about to cut his palm he realized he couldn't do it, "Fred will you do it?" Fred look worried but nodded and reached for the pocket knife. He carefully took George's right hand and made a diagonal line from the base of Georges thumb to the base of George's pinky with the knife. He look worried at the quickly gathering blood but shook it off._

" _Okay, you do mine," Fred said holding out his right hand and just as carefully as Fred, George repeated the process._

 _When they both had bloody hands George took over the ritual, "Okay, now place your hand against mine," they clapsed their hands together and the blood began dripping on the floor, "I, George Rifden Weasley, here by vow that I shall always be with Fred Horquil Weasley in house and job and life. I vow to share everything with him both… uh material and secrets."_

 _With a smile of encouragement from his brother Fred repeated the vow, "I, Fred Horquil Weasley, here by vow that I shall always be with George Rifden Weasley, in house and job and life. I vow to share everything with him both material and secrets." With a flash of light the vow was signified and the cuts on their hands healed._

" _Wicked," Fred muttered once again staring at his hand and George couldn't help his grin._

" _Yeah! See no worries, now we'll be in the same House for sure!"_

 _Satisfied both boys laid in their respective beds and fell asleep not realizing just what kind of vow had been made._

* * *

"George!" Fred screamed and George scrambled back.

"What? What happened? What did I do?" He saw his brother lying in his bed naked and knew that it happened again. He had fought the vow... and he had lost. Again.

His face crumbled and he couldn't help but apologize again and again.

"George! Georgie!" Fred reached up and pulled his brother into bed with him, "Relax," He shushed as he brushed his brother's hair back, " _relax_." But George's sobs didn't stop.

"I'm s-sorry!" George pleaded burying his head into his twin's shoulder. George was used to this happening, but it wouldn't stop the pain of knowing that he did this to his twin because of a naïve mistake he made when he was 11.

"George, it's fine. The only reason I remember doing it is because I'm willing. And you've done it a million times it's not like I'm not used to it," Fred said reasonably but that just made George feel worse.

He had fucked his twin 'a million times.'

The vow compelled him to do it, to share their bodies with one another, to 'be one.' It was so fucked up and it tore George apart. Now they haven't been fucking since they were 11, the Vow at least had the decency to not start putting in the desire to be together _like that_ until they turned 14. And they were lucky enough to be able to fight the vow until they turned 15.

But when they were 15, exactly 4 years after they made the vow, the same day and everything, they couldn't fight it any more. Fred and George both blacked out from fighting the blood vow so hard and before they knew it they had woken up naked and in bed. Together. From the soreness in his arse Fred was able to deduce just which one of them had been the bottom and had promptly started beating George up.

But what was even worse is George didn't know what he had done, so he fought back. And with black eyes (Okay, Fred had a black eye) and broken noses (George had the broken nose) their mother caught them.

She quickly fixed them up with a quick episkey and a stern warning to work whatever they were fighting about with their _words_ , which is when they realized they couldn't remember exactly what had happened. They didn't know who initiated it or if they used condoms or lube.

But they figured that it just needed to happen once, then it was over and it would never happen again. Unfortunately, each year it got worse instead of better. They were compelled to have sex more and more and now they had to do it nearly every month. Fred, had come to accept it but George couldn't, he still fought against it every time and every time he felt a bit worse.

"Come on now. Let's get us some firewhiskey," Fred said springing up and pulling his twin with him, "With firewhiskey comes good things."

"What in Merlin's name are you talking about?" George asked as he pulled on some clothes not bothering to see if they were his.

"I'm talking about a very pretty witch that hasn't returned our products yet," Fred said with a wink as he tugged on his pants not bothering with a shirt.

"She probably hasn't had time, I mean she works a lot."

"Even on Saturdays? Please! No sane person works Saturdays!" Fred called as he grabbed firewhiskey and shot glasses

"Well, that explains why we work Saturdays," George muttered lowly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Mmm hmm, well, here's some whiskey. Drink up," Fred said sliding a full shot across the round table towards George.

"Only a tiny shot? Why don't you just give me the whole bottle. I need it," George complained as he made to grab the bottle.

"I think _I_ need it more. But I'm not going to have any," immediately George looked awful, like he had just commited the worst crime known to man and was definitely feeling the guilt. Feeling guilty Fred added, "And besides we got work tomorrow."

"We also have sobering charms, now come on pass the bottle," George pleaded.

"No," Fred said sternly holding the bottle behind his back.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I gave you the rest of the bottle," Fred said so quickly George could barely tell what he was saying.

"Excuse me… what?"

"I gave you the rest of the bottle," Fred replied this time talking as though he was speaking to a baby.

"Uh uh, no way. Let me see," George said as he grabbed the bottle and this time Fred let him.

"Bloody Hell, Fred! How'd we go through a full bottle!"

"'Mione, is _really_ good at holding her alcohol. And so was Amber. Elsie not so much. Kate coulda downed the whole thing but—"

"Wait. What you're telling me is our firewhiskey is gone because of all the girls you tried to seduce?"

Fred looked down, seemingly embarrassed, "Maybe."

"Well. That explains quite a few things," George says calmly. Dangerously calm. He placed the whiskey bottle onto the table and then moved to grab his coat.

"What do you mean? Where are you going?"

George stopped right as he was about to leave, "What I _mean_ , Fred, is I've felt like shit all week. Probably because you seem to forget that for us to fall in love or marry someone it has to be a fucking joint effort! Meaning both of us! We have to share every fucking thing!"

"I know, and I'm sorry but I thought that if I really liked them and they liked me then of course they'd like—"

"Just shut up! I'm so fucking done," George spoke as he opened the door.

"Where you going?"

"Out!" Some of the ways Fred and George have learned to keep things from each other is by staying as vague as possible, like now for example. If Fred really wanted to know he could continue to pester his brother but he decided to just leave his twin be. George would come back when he wasn't so angry.

As George walked away he knew he didn't want to go back, but he also knew that if he didn't willingly go back then the vow would force him.

"Fuck it," George muttered as he kicked a stone down the street on a way to The Leaky Cauldron. Fred and him seemed to be having the same argument every day these days.

Fred wanted a wife.

George didn't want to bring another person into this bloody curse.

Yes, he had known that Fred was bringing girls over, it was actually what they were arguing about when Hermione had come over, but he had no idea getting them drunk was part of the seducing process! That was just making him feel worse about this whole 'get a wife' thing.

The day that 'Mione came George had just finished counting up the stock and was going to see how Fred was doing, he had this awful feeling, like his blood was boiling over, and he had a sneaking suspicion of what Fred was up to. When he finally found Fred upstairs in the flat, Fred had his arms wrapped around some girl whispering in her ear and he said something about how "My brother and I would love to show you what a good fuck really is," or something awful like that and the girl spun around and slapped him in the face.

George would've thanked the girl if she hadn't turned on him next, "You two are sick bastards. How could you even… I can't believe you would say such a thing! You're awful!"

"Wait, I just got here—" George had started but the girl was having none of it.

"Oh shut up! You just 'conveniently' walked in on your brother propositioning to me that all three of us have sex? _Sure_. You both are sick fucks and I hope you know that. You'll be lucky if the whole Wizarding world doesn't hear about this!" The girl taunted before grabbing her purse and storming out.

And then Fred tried to apologize and everything went to hell. Until Hermione showed up that is.

"Fred! Good to see you, what would you like today?" Hannah Abbot asked him from behind the bar.

"Uh, some firewhiskey would be great. Where's Tom?"

"Oh! You haven't been here is a very long time, Tom's finally moved out. He lives with his daughter and her family now. So, now the pub's mine!" Hannah had been working with Tom on keeping the Pub together for a year or two, but now it was all hers.

"That's great," George spoke as he took his shot glass of firewhiskey from her, "Well, it was good talking. Tell Neville I said hello."

"I will!" Hannah called back cheerily as George took a seat in the back. Alone. And began the long process of drinking away his sorrows.

Back at the flat Fred was beating up pillows. Or attempting to anyways.

You see when you and your friend enter into a blood vow and one accepts it and the other doesn't, you'd think the one who accepted it would be the better person. But Fred always felt like he was the one fucking up.

By trying to get a girl to fall in love with them _he_ was being the prick, in what bloody messed up universe was he living in? He was just trying to be a good mate to his brother, he was trying to do good by both of them. This earned his pillow a more powerful punch. He was an arse.

He almost wrote to Teresa, the awful girl he brought upstairs the other day, a letter today asking for her to keep quiet, but he figured the more he bothered her the more likely she's going to tell the Daily Profit him and George are shop owners by day, deranged lovers by night.

Fred threw his pillow against the wall by George's bed and the cheap fabric finally ripped causing feathers to explode everywhere.

"Fuck," he muttered as a single feather drifted by his shoe, the rest were completely covering his brother's bed. With that he got up and walked out of the room, not even bothering to vanish the feathers, he doubted George would be coming home tonight. In fact he was probably flirting with some whore right now just to get under his skin. He could feel it, the prickling of his blood as if it was hot and starting to simmer.

It did hurt, the flirting thing, it physically hurt, and if they kissed it would hurt more and the closer they got to each other and the farther George got from him… well George would be hurting himself as well. It must be a spite thing.

With a sigh Fred located the spare bottle of Firewhiskey, he could've given it to George but he was trying to avoid giving his brother alcohol, he didn't need his twin, his business partner, and his lover becoming a drunk. Of course George would just love messing up their situation more and then somehow it'd end up being Fred's fault anyways.

"'Cause I'm just one big fuck up," Fred muttered to himself as he took a deep gulp of firewhiskey. He should've just died in the war… that would be better than this any day. He would die, which would cause George to die and they'd be happy dead people. Fred let out a laugh that turned into a sob before taking another sip of firewhiskey.

And Fred and George respectively spent the rest of the evening drinking away their sorrows.


End file.
